Roommates to Friends: How to Build a Great Relationship with Your New Roomie

By Faith Robinson-Hughes

Every person looking to seek a higher education in America is familiar with the routine of moving into their new dorm room. Feeling a sense of uncertainty and anxiety about moving into a space with someone you don’t know is completely valid. Even though this can seem intimidating at first, developing a meaningful relationship with your new roommate can result in a long-lasting friendship! Learning how to create a positive environment within your room is the first step to promoting a strong foundation for a comfortable space you both can share. If you’re feeling unsure about how to create an amazing space with your new roommate, here are some tips to help you acclimate to sharing a room with someone new. 

1. Decorate Your Dorm

A great way to socialize with your new roomie is to decorate your room together! Try to obtain your roommate’s number through your college’s housing portal or social media a couple of weeks before your move-in date. Introduce yourselves and discuss how you both would like your room to look. A great way to share visual ideas of what you both want is through collaborating on a Pinterest board. This way, there are clear ideas of what you both want for your space. 

Learning how to communicate with each other about your dorm ideas establishes a routine that helps both parties become comfortable with expressing their thoughts. Listening to each other’s wants can also open the door to discovering new boundaries. Remember, you may not get everything exactly how you’d like in your room, and that’s okay! When you share a space with someone, it is important that both parties enjoy the space. Showing your roommate that you care about their comfort lets them know that they can trust you to take their feelings into account. The goal is to decorate your room with things that you and your roommate enjoy so that you both have a space to relax.

Use decorating as an opportunity to spend time with your roommate. If you both will be moving in at different times, try only setting up the necessary things and wait for your roommate to arrive before putting up the decorations so that you can take the time to decorate your dorm together. Be present with your roommate, try not to be distracted by your phone, and don’t be afraid to ask your roomie questions about themselves! Maintaining a conversation with them shows that you are interested in creating a relationship beyond roommates. Sending this message early on is a great way to allow your roommate to become more comfortable with you moving forward. 

2. Grab Food

Decorating your new room requires a lot of work and should be followed up by a good meal! Finding somewhere for you both to enjoy food together is another way to become acquainted with one another. Try your best to focus on the conversation over unnecessary distractions. Becoming occupied by your phone, a television, or other things during your interaction may show your roommate that you do not appreciate their time or presence. Remember, the nervous feelings you may have are there because you are unfamiliar with this person. Once you have become acquainted with your new roommate, the nerves should naturally subside. 

3. Attend Campus Events

Attending campus events with your roommate is another way to bond with them outside your room. Make sure to follow your campus’s clubs and organizations through social media to stay connected with events happening on campus. Going to these events allows you to become acquainted with other people on campus and also learn about your roommate’s interests. Taking into consideration the events that your roommate likes and making an effort to tag along demonstrates your interest in learning more about them. 

Remember, when planning events with another person, it is always important to respect their schedule if they have something else to do during that time. Your roommate may not always be available to do things with you all of the time, and that is okay. As long as they are making an effort to create a positive environment for both of you, that’s all that matters. Showing your roommate that you have good intentions and are a thoughtful person goes a long way in establishing a healthy relationship with them!

4. Set Boundaries

It’s not necessary to be best friends with your roommate, but creating a trusting bond with them helps alleviate anxiety when setting your boundaries. If your roommate is doing something that may be bothering you, it’s always best to verbally disclose your discomfort with them. Make sure you are in a private space with your roommate before revealing how you feel to prevent embarrassing them in front of other people. Before disclosing your concerns, decide whether this is a boundary that can be altered to appease both parties or whether it is a firm rule. Deciding this is important so that you can clearly communicate your needs when discussing an issue. Your roommate may do certain things that feel comfortable for them but may feel uncomfortable for you. 

In occasions when your request could potentially conflict with your roommate’s boundaries, a compromise that benefits both parties may be necessary. For example, you may like to sleep with the lights off and your roommate may like to sleep with the lights on. You may ask for your roommate to turn the lights off completely, but they may have difficulty sleeping in complete darkness. It wouldn’t be fair to pressure your roommate into an uncomfortable slumber of darkness when they need to rest in order to perform well in their academics. It also wouldn’t be fair for you to feel as though you’re staring into the sun every time you try to sleep. A middle ground for this issue would be a simple, dim night light that isn’t bright enough to disturb your rest.

Do not feel guilty if you find yourself setting a hard boundary that cannot be altered. This is normal and should be respected as long as it’s not infringing on your roommate’s life. Be respectful and assertive when setting your boundaries. Let’s say you have asthma and your roommate has a habit of vaping inside the dorm. You may ask your roommate to smoke outside the room due to your medical condition. They may argue that if they open a window or smoke when you’re not around, then that solves the problem. No. Smoke leaves residue behind on clothes, sheets, and other objects that could irritate your asthma even when they are not smoking. This is a boundary that cannot be altered for your own well-being. You’re not asking them to make a life-altering decision to quit smoking, but simply to bring this activity outside so that you are not uncomfortable in your own room. 

Be open to compromises and solutions that your roommate may propose, but don’t feel pressured into doing anything you are not comfortable with. Agreeing to arrangements that make you uncomfortable will lead you to resent your roommate in the future. 

Sometimes people can become defensive or upset once you’ve set a boundary. Don’t be alarmed if your roommate expresses discomfort with your boundaries. Focus on expressing your feelings as respectfully and sincerely as possible without making any accusatory statements. Again, be open to meeting each other in the middle, but never agree to an arrangement that makes you feel uncomfortable. Expressing your discomfort with someone can sometimes be seen as confrontational; however, it is important to clarify your intentions to create a solution that works for both parties in order to continue cultivating your healthy space.

Sometimes disagreements require a responsible mediator. If you and your roommate cannot resolve a disagreement, contacting your dorm’s RA/CA about your concerns can create a healthy environment for you both to discuss your thoughts. Remember that college is about developing your sense of independence. Most of the time, it shows maturity and accountability when you communicate your needs with your roommate, but so does reaching out for help when feeling overwhelmed.

It is also important to understand the difference between a pet peeve, an inconvenience, and a dangerous situation. A few examples of pet peeves are not liking the fan on at night, not liking the blinds down during the day, and not liking a certain decoration in the room. An inconvenience may be your roommate having friends over while you’re trying to study, taking your things without your permission, creating a mess around the room without cleaning up, or leaving wet things on the floor. Pet peeves are things that you may be able to overlook with time, and may not be worth mentioning if it does not affect your daily life. An inconvenience may disrupt your daily routine and may be worth mentioning. Dangerous situations that require more attention are circumstances that threaten you or your roommate’s safety.

In the case of an emergency, it is always best to save your campus security number in your phone for quick and easy access. In most cases, roommate disagreements are usually settled after a healthy conversation. However, it is always best to be prepared in the case of an unsafe living situation. Having a roommate can also help make you feel more secure on campus. Don’t be afraid to ask your roommate to walk with you, pick you up, or drop you off somewhere you feel uncomfortable going alone.

Aside from your academic education, a long-lasting effect of college is the relationships you build throughout your time there. Building a relationship with your roommate is a great start to creating a healthy environment to enjoy your semester. It’s always a good idea to find friendships outside of your roommate; however, your roommate is a particularly important relationship to foster, as they are the person you’ll be living with for the school year. Making space in your busy schedule to get to know your peers is always an essential step to creating a solid and much-needed support system on campus. College is about learning new things about yourself as much as it is about excelling in your academics. Be open to new experiences, new relationships, new lessons, and more opportunities, and don’t forget to have fun!