Twenty Things I Learned by Twenty

I have always been the kind of person who hated advice. As a kid, I was stubborn and refused help—like learning multiplication—or quit what I was doing altogether (I still can’t drive). I always thought it was a pride thing, that I didn’t want to look needy or desperate. Girls are often made to feel helpless or are talked down to when they ask for much-needed help. That was my real hindrance: the fear of seeming little. But there is nothing wrong with hearing others out. In my almost twenty years, I have traveled many different paths. In all of that time, I’ve learned a collection of lessons I wish I had known before. Don’t consider my words advice; think of them more as a cheat code. Here are twenty things I learned in twenty years:

1. Flaunt your favorites.

Have you ever felt ashamed about your favorite things? Even little things like colors, artists, movies, and foods can be turned into a weapon against you if you aren’t with the right people. But you shouldn’t disguise who you are for the sake of fitting in. At the very least, they’ll know you were honest, and if they react poorly, then you’ll know that they weren’t the people for you.

2. Taste everything.

I don’t just mean food, but taste everything. If there is one thing I would have gone back and done over again, it would be trying everything new where I didn’t before. I used to stay in my comfort zone no matter the conditions, but as long as what you’re doing isn’t a threat to you or anyone else, you should go for it.

3. Be the leader.

When we aren’t sure of ourselves, we can fall back in line with everyone else. There are people that prefer to work behind the scenes instead of being in the spotlight. I know all too well what that feels like. I hated being on stage, but the minute I could lead and become a stage manager, I was empowered. It was my first taste of real responsibility. Don’t be afraid of taking charge; you don’t need your name in flashing lights to bask in the glow of accomplishment.

4. Be in the picture.

So often, we are made to feel like we don’t belong, that includes in photos. If you have ever been the one to say, “no worries, I’ll just take it,” I’m talking to you. To have an immortal snapshot of family or friends or a scene is just about the most precious thing in this life. Consider this: don’t you want the people you love to have a forever-piece of you too?

5. Blood is thicker than water but not as clear.

Growing up, we get caught up in the idea that family is always there for us. I am lucky and happen to have a really supportive family, but love comes with difficulty as its companion. Allowances, compromises, and disagreements are bound to happen. Plus, sometimes found families are the best kind and the most supportive.

6. Double texting is a myth.

Okay, not necessarily true, but a lot of people have qualms with double texting when they really shouldn’t. If you’re eager or interested in talking to someone, show them. If they aren’t willing to reciprocate the same energy, then that is on them and not you. Don’t feel as though you need to limit the attention or affection you have to offer for the sake of fabricated social expectations.

7. Keep a diary.

The best way to preserve your memories is in a diary. Write down little thoughts in a journal, on scrap paper, or even in your notes app. Save photos to a drive or print them out to keep in a box or paste in a scrapbook. Savor every receipt and fortune cookie slip, candy wrapper, and clothing tag. They are the fabric of your personal history, save them for future reflection.

8. Use your favorite stickers.

I once read a miscellaneous text post that said: I was the kind of kid that avoided using my favorite stickers because I was waiting for the perfect time. It really resonated with me. I felt like it says a lot about the kind of person you grow up to be, always waiting for the perfect moment to act. Don’t wait. Act now. Live life using up your favorite stickers; there will always be more.

9. Come up with creative compliments.

Commenting on appearances has not only become a common custom but an everyday expectation. Try to think of something more memorable to remark on when you want to make someone smile. Compliment their actions, their mind, and their integrity. Those are so much more likely to be remembered, and you’ll be regarded as thoughtful in return.

10. Impulses aren’t instincts.

That gut feeling, that lingering thought, they persist even as you try to soothe your worries or ignore the bad choice. Don’t doubt yourself simply because your mind and body are telling you to. There are times when the right move is made on a whim, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be negative consequences. Life isn’t a race. Try not to mistake your impulses for instincts.

11. Look up to those that reflect you.

Role models are marketed as an ideal. For me, that was always someone thin. For others, it could be someone white, able-bodied, cisgendered, etc. I developed a mentality that there was only one way to look to obtain the perfect life. I owe my happiness and gratitude to the creators I chose to follow with my “look.” Not only will it support their media presence, but it will also grant you a rare form of self-acceptance by regularly normalizing your existence right at your fingertips.

12. Bigger ponds are better for swimming.

Growing up in a small town, you might have that same itch for something bigger. Scratch it. If you have the resources and support to move to a city or new town, do it. I am so much happier and am blessed to have moved to a city where I have constructed my own web of support that I never thought was possible in the confines of my town’s borders. It’s possible.

13. Discover energy givers.

I went through life not really knowing the sources of my happiness. There are the obvious hobbies, interests, and friends, but on a genuine fundamental level, ask yourself what makes you happy. For me, the simplest thing is the sun. Basking in the light and feeling it on my face grounds me, find your tie to your center.

14. Body movement over exercise.

For the longest time, I associated the word “exercise” with something negative. In the climate of body critics and diet policing, who could blame me or anyone who felt the same? I decided to change my mindset by changing my language and the way I thought about working out. Consider it maintenance, a way to keep your body and mind moving and happy.

15. Don’t act just to receive.

We only have so much energy to give. I know I got carried away in the past trying to be there for everyone in the hopes that they would do the same for me. I believed that exposing more, pulling back the curtain further, was the best way to earn their love and trust. If they truly care, they will give back without the expectation of taking more of you.

16. Rejection is redirection.

I took rejection and criticism pretty hard. I’ve always been a sensitive person, and entering academic spaces and workplaces has been tough to adjust to. It can feel as though everyone is out to get you, but that isn’t the case. Rejection is just another push forward toward the right place for you.

17. The heart and mind are not enemies.

A lot of the time, the heart and the mind are regarded as opposites. There is this idea that they cannot compromise, and if they ever agree, it’s an abnormality. The key is constant communication between them. They may not always crave or need the same things, but taking a step back and assessing yourself is the best place to start. There is always a happy medium to be found.

18. Identity is like water.

In a world hyper-focused on micro labels and titles, it’s easy to get lost in the overflowing pool of self-recognition. It’s essential to flow alongside the current. Stay open to the fluidity of your identity. Just because you call yourself something once, or even several times, that does not make it set in stone. You are always able to change and grow. In fact, you should welcome it. I have been out as bisexual for six years now, and I am still keeping my mind open to any changes that await me in the future. Nothing needs to be permanent.

19. Love isn’t painful.

Heartache is evidence of love through the grief of loss, but it should not be an everyday occurrence. I have been in a few relationships where I have felt heartbreak every day, and I thought it meant I was in love. That is never the case. Love can hurt, I won’t deny it, it’s a powerful emotion with equally strong reactions. However, at its core, love is meant to evoke something good. Positive relationships will give you the room and the help to grow, not confine you.

20. Learn as much as you can.

A very corny way to end the list, but it’s true. Take advantage of every single learning opportunity you have. Gain as much information from every person who has come before or even after you. Experience counts, too. Indulge, invent, and interact with the world around you. If I know anything–and that’s at least twenty things, considering the list–it’s that the world presents us with chances to evolve, and it is our duty to ourselves to take them.